Last night, after spending some time discussing where my therapist got the notion that I should write a book, she and I settled into a discussion of the goal of my therapy. I've been seeing her once or twice a week for about three years now (excepting Augusts). It has been a continuous process, but my understanding of my goal has shifted as the therapy has evolved. I started with the goal of overcoming my sometimes paralyzing fear of death. Then my goal was to manage and uncover the underlying causes of the unbearable anxiety that I discovered, then to survive the depression that addressing the anxiety revealed, and later to form emotional connections with others. Lately, my goal has been to become whole, to experience and express all of my self.

As I've become whole--as I've recognized and felt everything that I had ignored, repressed, or rationalized--I've been struggling over what to do with this whole self. What aspects of my self do I accept? What can I change? What should I change? This is to enter a realm where there's no clear guidance. The religious have their faith to follow, and the deluded have their conscience. I have neither. Part of my becoming whole has been discovering that there is no unified self at the center of this, only the illusion of one. Given that, how am I to decide among the impulses and desires that would guide me?